James Potter and the Silent Scoundrel
by IamtheMaskedMarauder
Summary: A James Potter series book: Over the years we all change, but this year Sirius has become an entirely different person. Everything carefree, everything innocent...is gone. It's a fight to hold on to the boy he was, and accept the man he is becoming. It seems as if the only person he loves anymore is Remus, leaving James asking; why doesn't he love me anymore?
1. Chapter 1

**James Potter and the Silent Scoundrel**

TheMaskedMarauder

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters or locations.**

**Prologue**

The sunlight streaming through the window warmed the seat, the faded fabric worn down by so many years of use, the whole compartment full of the comfortable sunshine as they whizzed past wheat colored fields as the crops ripened, ready for harvest. It would have been perfect, but for the empty seat amongst them that stood out as if it were stained with blood, so horrible was the absence they had not anticipated.

James shivered, wishing that the warmth would somehow seep into his bones and chase away the chills that had started the instant they had pulled away from the station. They had begun as a heavy feeling in his gut, sitting like a stone in his stomach as the minutes slipped by, marked by the steady ticking of his watch. The seat remained empty. Staring at it, their eyes had wandered to the glass sliding door, hoping to see a face pressed against the glass, but there was no one. Not a soul passed by for half an hour, and then it was only the lady with the trolley.

"Anything from the trolley?" she'd asked, her round face smiling kindly at them, unaware of the suffering they were enduring.

Peter leapt for the cart, purchasing enough food to feed them all for the whole day, and sitting down to devour it, his chubby hands dripping with sweat as he waited in anxiety for the empty space to be filled.

"Toss me a couple chocolate frogs," ordered James, handing over the sickles. He took the frogs and set them on the empty seat. "He'll be here—they're his favorite," he added, explaining to himself the strange action.

"I don't want anything." Remus looked ill. His pale, thin face appeared gaunt even in the passing sunlight, his slender hand shaking as he waved the woman away.

"You gotta eat," James argued, watching nervously as Remus swayed tiredly. "Some chocolate bars," he sighed to the trolley lady, handing her the coins.

"Eat." The word fell on deaf ears. James sat down beside Remus, proffering one of the chocolate bars. "You have to eat, Remus—look at yourself!" He hated the way his words sounded patronizing, but there was nothing to be done. Remus had to eat; he was wasting away before their eyes, seemingly growing thinner and thinner with every passing second.

"I can't," said Remus weakly, pushing away the chocolate. "My stomach's in knots."

"Try," Peter pleaded, sweat pouring down his round face.

"I'm throw it up," Remus replied decidedly, turning his head away.

James sighed angrily and tossed the chocolate bar down on the seat. "You're stubborn, you know that, right? You're so damn stubborn you'll die!"

"I'll eat when he gets here," offered Remus, hoping to pacify James. The attempt was in vain.

His temper sparked, the anger and betrayal that had been burning low beneath the surface for well over an hour suddenly bursting into a roaring flame. "_He's not coming!" _James snapped.

Peter gave a squeal of despair. "He's not?"

Casting Peter a whithering glance, James curled his lips into a snarl. "We've waited for a whole fucking hour and he's not here—do you really still think he's coming, Peter?"

Peter mouthed wordlessly.

"Huh?" James demanded.

"Leave him alone," Remus snarled irritably. "Sirius is here—we just have to go find him."

James sat down stubbornly. "He can come find us," he snorted. "We meet _here, _every single year. If he can't be bothered to come see us, that's his problem!"

Getting to his feet, Remus groaned with the effort, sounding much older than his fifteen years. "There's no point in waiting around here—let's at least look."

Peter glanced anxiously between the two of them, unsure of what to do.

"Fine." Giving in at last James got up and tossed a chocolate bar at Remus. "But you have to eat or you'll pass out."

Remus made a move to toss the chocolate bar down on the seat again but James stopped him. "You haven't eaten since yesterday, have you?"

"No."

They pushed their way through the narrow halls of the trains, glancing through apartment windows. They were greeted by smiling faces and eager hands waving at them.

"Where's Sirius?" some people called, but James brushed them off.

"More popular this year," Remus grunted as they stepped into the next car.

James just sighed. Normally he would have been thrilled with the attention, but without Sirius by his side he felt exposed, vulnerable to all the staring pairs of eyes following his every move.

"He's not here," Peter seemed in awe of the fact that Sirius was nowhere to be found.

"One last car," Remus said hopefully, "he's gotta be on this one."

Peter glanced dubiously up at James. Not having the heart to disappoint him, James shrugged. "Worth a shot," he grunted, even though his heart was plummeting with every passing second. He didn't think it could sink any lower. But he was wrong.

The very last compartment was empty, saving for one person. He was curled up on the seat, arms wrapped around his legs and face buried in his knees. Dark hair cascaded over his face, blocking it from view.

"Sirius!" James barked, surprised to find his friend in the secluded compartment at the end of the train as if hiding from them. He pushed the door open, but it stuck, giving him a moment's pause as he forced it open. Remus slipped past him into the compartment.

"Sirius!" Remus's soft voice whispered, questioning, concerned.

Responding to the sound of his friend's voice, Sirius looked up.

**Chapter One**

The sunlight, formerly warm and inviting, had turned cold. The air inside the compartment was frozen like the surface of a pond in the dead of winter.

Sirius's pale face, thin, angular, with dark brooding eyes, was marred by purple and green bruises. Swollen and distended, his face was almost unrecognizable. It was by his hair, a sheet of black satin that hung down to his shoulders, and black eyes like pools of oil, that they knew it was Sirius.

James recoiled. "What happened, mate?" he yelped, falling back onto the seat opposite his friend.

"My dad…" Sirius replied bitter, spitting the words as if they tasted sour. "Hit me."

The look in his eyes was deadly; they burned with hatred, a cunning hatred that would bow to nothing.

"Why?" Remus asked, utterly aghast.

Sirius extended his hand, in his clenched fingers was a Gryffindor badge. "For being Gryffindor," he hissed softly.

"Oh." Taking a seat beside his friend, Remus slipped an arm around Sirius. They sat in silence for a minute before Sirius laid his head on Remus's shoulder.

"Why didn't you come see us, mate?" James demanded, still wounded by Sirius's absence.

Sirius snorted. "Looking like this?" he laughed bitterly. "Everyone would have seen me."

"You could have just slipped in when no one was looking."

"Just go away," Sirius retorted harshly.

"You're not eating." The words were an accusation, slipping from between Sirius's bruised lips.

Remus pulled the chocolate bar from his pocket. "I am now," he replied, biting into it and grimacing.

"Did you eat yesterday?"

"Some."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"I ate a sandwich!" Remus cried defensively. "I just wasn't hungry."

"The full moon is in a week! You'll drop ten pounds by next Friday!" argued Sirius. "If you're not eating you'll be hospitalized before you know it!"

Remus didn't reply but chewed morosely.

"O.W.L.s are this year," Peter squeaked.

James grunted. "So what?"

"They're important," Remus reminded him.

"That's not the only thing we've got this year," Sirius added. "Pull the blinds, James."

Darkness fell almost immediately. Their breathing sounded loud as it filled the enclosed space.

"Why?" James asked.

But instead of the comforting low growl of Sirius's voice, he received a whine in return. The whine of a dog.

"You did it," Remus whispered.

A soft bark answered him. James reached out, his fingers closing on soft fur. "Sirius?"

The fur shifted in his grasp, becoming the firm fabric of his friend's t-shirt.

"I did," Sirius said proudly. "Did you?"

Jealousy nagged in the back of his mind. "Not yet," James replied. "But I'm close."

Just then there was a knock on the compartment door, the sharp rapping of a fist. They all started.

"Open up!" a voice demanded, cold and angered.

"Who is it?"

"Me."

"Snivellus." Immediately Sirius was on the alert. He perked up, sinking into the shadows and drawing his wand, eyes watching the door, narrowed like the eyes of a lion preparing to strike.

"Why should we?" James bellowed, assuming a lounging position on the seat.

Peter glanced between them, watching to see who would make the next move.

"'Cause I'm a prefect," Severus snarled on the other side of the door.

Remus snorted, drawing a gold and scarlet badge from his pocket and pinning it to his chest. "Yes, sir," he called through the door.

Pulling up the blinds Remus slid open the door. Severus Snape found himself staring straight at Remus's shinning prefect badge.

Over the summer Remus had grown not only thinner, but taller. Severus did not appear to have grown an inch. The shorter boy scowled.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Three

Lank, oily black hair spilled down over a sallow face, black eyes glittering maliciously. Severus Snape, though only fifteen and still small, was beginning to look old. The bitter expression that seemed to constantly decorate his face did nothing to aid him; rather it seemed to age him ten years.

"Prefect?" Severus mouthed the word as he stared at the polished badge, almost disbelieving. Then a sour expression over took his shock. "I should have known," he snorted, almost to himself. "It figures Dumbledore would make _him _a prefect!"

"Need something?" Remus demanded curtly.

"No. I'm a prefect," snarled Severus, gesturing to the badge gleaming on his own chest. "I can get anything I want."

"So am I," replied the taller boy mildly. "What do you want?"

Severus glanced around the compartment as if searching for someone, but didn't reply.

"Lily's not here," Remus interjected.

Opening his mouth to reply, Severus spotted Sirius' marred face. "What happened to your face, Black?"

"_Get out!" _Sirius snarled, his lips twisted into a horrible sneer. He was on his feet in an instant, towering over Severus, panting heavily in rage and hatred.

Surprised and intimidated, Severus took a step back before regaining his composure and reaching for his wand. Sirius, quick as a whip, reaching around and snatched his wand from his back pocket, and was halfway through an incantation when Remus sent a jinx his way, knocking the wand from his hand.

"Out," Remus ordered, shouldering Severus out of the compartment.

"Do you want expelled?" Remus, looking tired with dark circles under his eyes, turned on Sirius with an almost hurt look on his face.

"Fuck him," Sirius snarled.

"What the hell was that?" Almost disbelieving, Remus demanded an answer from his friend.

"Nevermind. Give me my wand." Sirius held out his hand for the wand, but Remus withheld it.

"What has gotten into you?"

"Nothing." With a scowl Sirius crossed his arms.

James could only watch. Had it been anyone other than Remus Sirius would have tackled them, seizing his wand by force, but since it was Remus, Sirius would not lay a finger on him.

"Severus has as many issues as you do, can't you just stop picking on him?"

"You don't care!" he yelped in reply. "You pick on him almost as much as I do!"

"Yeah, I know." Remus looked down at his feet. "But really? If you get expelled, then what?"

"Then I go home," Sirius snapped.

"What about me?"

Silence fell. No one moved a muscle as Sirius debated. Remus stared at Sirius, his eyes silently pleading for a reply.

"Then nothing," Sirius growled at last. "I won't leave you."

Chapter Four

As if that was a promise. It seemed highly unlike Sirius to do anything of the kind. Trouble was in his blood—he couldn't resist it. But he did promise, and the odd way he said it was enough to make James wonder what he would go through to keep it.

The feast was brightly lit, full of the bustle of the crowd of students, their voices overly loud and happy at the start of the year. Sirius's absence beside him left James feeling utterly alone, even with Peter's excess warmth on his left. The space on his right felt empty. Remus joined them, but only in the flesh. His mind was obviously absent. He watched the sorting, eyes distant, cheered the first years on and welcomed them. He ate mechanically, shoveling food into his mouth and chewing hastily before forcing it down with a swallow from his goblet.

"Remus, you all right?" James inquired, leaning forward and attempting to engage his friend in conversation.

But Remus only stared blankly at the empty spot on the bench beside James. He started when a first year approached him to ask the way to the lavatory, stood hastily to show the child the way, and didn't return for almost an hour. When he did his face was haggard.

"Where'd you go, Remus?" Peter squeaked.

Remus looked down at Peter distractedly. "Sirius," he replied dazedly.

"Where is he?" James asked. Last he had looked Sirius had been sitting on the common room couch. He had waved them on ahead, saying that he would be down to the feast in a few minutes, but he had never arrived.

"Upstairs," Remus replied.

"Doing what?"

"Just lying on the bed," whispered Remus. "He hasn't moved for hours."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Five

Watching Remus carry out his new prefect duties was like watching a phantom prowl his old haunts. Every action was mechanical—his eyes stared into space, huge, blank expanses of blue that only blinked occasionally.

"This way, first years," Remus called. His voice was weak. The first years flocked to him, tiny hands gripping at his robes, white with fear.

"Don't be scared," he reassured them, a calm, comforting presence among the moving staircases made of cold stone, portraits with their many eyes watching, voices calling loudly to the first years, oblivious to their fear. "This way!"

Up the stairs he led them, a giant among the small children who looked up to him like he was God. Remus's robes clung to his thin frame, loose and billowing, his chin length sandy blond hair and blue eyes would have been handsome, were it not for the thin, translucent scars that were visible when the light struck his face at the right angle.

"This is the portrait of the Fat Lady," Remus informed the first years. His eyes stared right past the woman's face. "Memoria Historiae," announced Remus, "is this year's password."

The portrait swung open to reveal the common room. The couch was filled with students, the chairs and tables filled, bulletin board already filled with papers advertising clubs, activities, study groups, announcement. But Sirius was nowhere to be found.

"Dormitories are up the stairs…"

Remus's voice faded away as he led the first years to their dormitories. Peter hurried over to the bulletin board, anxiously searching for any notice that might concern the quidditch team, all of their favorite pastime, either to watch or to play.

"Potter," Lily nodded to him from her place in a comfy arm chair.

"Lily…" James hesitated, tempted to join her, but drawn to his bed, head aching.

Instead of speaking to him again, Lily went back to her book, long red hair draped gracefully over her slender shoulders.

After he had seen the first years to bed, Remus reappeared, now more haggard than ever. As he rounded the last turn of the spiral stone staircase that led to the dormitories, he slumped against the wall, barely able to stand, weak from exhaustion.

"Goodnight," he grunted. "Do me a favor, will you, James? If the first years need anything tonight…show them the way to the bathrooms, or help them. I can't stay awake another minute."

James normally would have refused, but out of pity for his friend, he nodded. "Sure."

"Thanks." Remus turned and staggered up the stairs. James followed.

Sirius was lying on his bed, the covers in a heap at the foot of the bed, his dark hair spread across the white sheet. He was pale, the swelling and bruises that marred his face horribly apparent against the stark white sheets; his jeans and t-shirt clung to him, damp with sweat.

"You alright, mate?" James whispered, leaning over his friend.

"No."

Sirius lay motionless, one leg and one arms spread out so that he was half on his stomach half on his side.

"You didn't eat."

"Not hungry."

"Are you going to get ready for bed?"

"No."

James sat down on the side of the bed. "Come on, mate. You can't lie like this all night."

"I can," Sirius disagreed softly.

"Fine." Unnerved by Sirius's odd behavior, James went to his own bed, and climbed beneath the covers. They were heavy and cold, yet to be warmed by his body heat, and snuggled down in them to wait out the minutes of wakefulness until he slid into a deep sleep.

Remus entered, dressed for bed, hair rumpled, eyelids drooping over blue eyes.

"Sirius?" James heard the whisper and the creaking of the bedsprings as Remus sat gingerly on the bed.

"What?" Sirius croaked.

"You just gonna lie here?"

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for a minute. James could almost see Remus's expression as he sat thoughtfully in the dimly lit room.

"It might be easier to sleep if you got dressed for bed," Remus offered.

The bed creaked as Sirius sat up. "Yeah."

"Do you want something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry—my jaw hurts." Sirius massaged his face, wincing with the pressure his fingers placed on the bruises. James could see the outlines of his friends bodies as they sat on the bed.

"That's not why you didn't come down to the feast, though," said Remus quietly.

"I don't want Regulus to see my face." The confession tore from Sirius's lips into the still air of the dormitory.

"He didn't see you at home?"

"No. It happened last night. He's spent the past week at a friend's. They dropped him off at the train."

"Why don't you want him to see?"

"I'm supposed to be strong! I am the one who protects him—I show him what is right or wrong. If he sees my face like this then he'll know that I'm weak. He'll know I'm not worth admiring."

Remus put his arm around Sirius as the young man broke down. "Don't cry," he entreated, but in vain.

"I want to be the hero he thinks I am," Sirius gasped into the darkness. "I want to be the hero he deserves…and I let my old man beat the shit out me—like a fricking muggle, Remus! I lost. I didn't even fight!"

Sirius laid his head on Remus's shoulder.

"I won't tell," offered Remus. "But you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"He's my little brother…how can I protect him if I can't even protect myself?"

"Hush," Remus whispered. "Hush and go to sleep. It'll be better in the morning."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Six

In the morning it was better. His face was no longer swollen, but the bruises, though fading, still remained.

James groaned and stretched. "Wretched first years," he grumbled. "Been up every damn hour 'cause one of 'em had to use the damn lavatory!"

"Thanks," Remus called where he was dressing hurriedly beside his bed. "I don't think I could have done it."

To his credit, James did not more complaining but accepted Remus's thanks as recompense for his trouble. Sirius groaned and stirred the morning light illuminating his damaged face.

"Oh, God," he moaned.

"Wake up," said Remus, shaking him gently.

"Can't," mumbled the young man, barely able to force the word past his lips.

"You have to. Transfiguration is in an hour, we have to hurry if we won't breakfast," returned Remus.

Sirius toppled to the floor, regaining his feet somewhat unsteadily and shaking his mane of black hair out of his face. Then he walked right out of the dorm, still wearing his jeans and shirt of the day before, from which he had never changed.

"Aren't you gonna change, mate?" James called after his friend.

"No!"

"What happened to you, Black?" it was Lily's voice, sharp with surprise. James could almost see her as she froze, long red hair cascading over her pale face, framing her almond shaped green eyes perfectly.

"Is it any of your business?" snarled Sirius.

"Well, excuse me," Lily sniffed in return.

Remus sighed.

"What's with him?" James demanded, looking to his friend for an explanation.

"I…I don't really know." Reaching for his wand on the nightstand, with a quick charm Remus straightened his appearance. "Were you in contact with him much this summer?"

Guilt fell on James like a rock. "No…not much, come to think of it. Rosie, my little sister…"

"I know," Remus cut him off. "It's great that she's coming to Hogwarts now. I wasn't criticizing you."

"I just didn't have time," James argued with himself. "I mean, with Rosie coming to Hogwarts we had to get all her stuff, my grandpa died…I never thought about him…" he finished lamely.

"I'm not criticizing you," Remus repeated. "It's just that I got some weird messages from him this summer."

"Like what?"

James stared at Sirius's empty bed. The sound of someone on the stairs made Remus lower his voice.

"Frantic phone calls, scribbled notes delivered past midnight…on the phone sometimes he was crying, others he was yelling. There were times I thought he'd lost his mind. The notes were all about with Voldemort, joining the death eaters…dark stuff. It was like he was obsessed with death—with dying."

James' blood turned cold. "What do you mean?"

Glancing nervously at the door Remus continued. "The Death Eaters are recruiting. Regulus is almost fourteen. They're always at the house, and they're trying to recruit Sirius too."

"I don't care about that—" James cut in.

"You should!" snapped Remus. "Sirius says he'd rather die than join them. If the only option is killing himself, he will. His parents are pressuring him, Regulus is pressuring him. At home his whole world revolves around Voldemort and his followers."

James sobered, his anger dying before it had a chance to burn. "Kill himself? You don't think he will."

Remus debated the question for a minute. Then he looked up and said simply "I would."

"James, let's go eat breakfast!" Peter cried, running panting up the stairs as Remus disappeared down them.

"You can't go to breakfast on your own?" James demanded rudely.

Peter paused as if the thought had never occurred to him. "No…" he began, but James swept past him.

"Let's go."

"You in transfiguration?" James asked, falling into step beside Lily Evans.

Severus glowered at him, but James ignored him, knowing that he was taller, stronger, and possibly smarter.

"Yep," Lily said. She turned and smiled at him. His heart leapt.

"Well, come sit by me then!" he said, encouraged by her smile.

Lily hesitated, glancing at Severus. "Sure," she replied. "I'll see you at lunch when you're out of Divination, okay?"

The look on Severus' face gave the impression that he was mortally wounded that she would abandon him three corridors down from the Transfiguration classroom for James potter of all people.

"Yeah, see you at lunch," he said, regaining his composure and trying to act as if he had better things to do than see her to class and meet her for lunch.

He could have done cartwheels down the hall. _Don't blow it, _he thought to himself as Severus turned the corner and disappeared.

"You want to sit in the front or the back?" he asked.

Lily threw back her head and laughed. "I don't really care," she said with another smile. "Maybe the front, so we can hear what McGonagall is saying?"

"The front it is!" As they reached the classroom he pulled out her seat for her, watching in awe as she sat down gracefully before hastily taking his seat beside her and piling his books on the desk in an attempt to appear studious.

"You only need the one," observed Lily dryly.

He grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, I guess you're right."


	5. Chapter 5

The class was off to a great start, but it was all downhill from there. James could feel Sirius' brooding eyes on the back of his head, but then they passed. Sirius seemed to be watching everyone with a keen eye, never appearing to miss a thing.

McGonagall droned on and on about the basic review they were obliged to cover at the start of each year.

"I can do so much better," James growled in Lily's ear as they touched on the subject of shape shifting.

Lily turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised skeptically. "Really, Potter?" But a playful smile danced across her lips, revealing her light heart.

"Yeah," James told her, egged on by her smile. "Way better. I don't need a spell."

Now he had her full attention. Her bright green eyes were alert, following every movement of his face, intent and beautiful, her mane of red hair cascading over her pale skin like a fiery waterfall. She leaned in closer.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm an animagus," he whispered, leaning in so that his warm breath rushed past her ear.

"Animagus?"

"Yeah."

"Are you registered?"

"No," he snorted. "But you won't tell, will you, Evans?"

Lily straightened. She fixed her eyes on McGonagall as if deliberating before she whispered "No."

His heart fluttered happily, but then the butterflies took over. He hadn't yet managed to make a full transformation. He'd stood before the mirror, and he'd seen his reflection grow vague and morph, replaced by a transparent stag. But if he turned at the right angle, he could still see the reflection of a boy. His hooves would morph to hands at the wrong moment, without being bidden.

What would Lily say when she found him out? She'd never look at him again.

Class let out, and they all stood. James helped Lily scoop up her books, then offered to escort her to lunch.

"Thanks," Lily accepted graciously.

Without a backward glance he walked with her down the moving staircases and to the great hall. He didn't even see Peter's lost expression as he was abandoned in the crowd, or Sirius and Remus exchange a pained glance before slowly following.

"Care to sit with me, Evans?" James held his breath while waiting for a response.

Without hesitation, Lily nodded, even enthusiastically, and sat down next to him on the bench. A few minutes later Severus entered the great hall, his eyes combing the Slytherin table where Lily usually sat and waited for him. Finding her absent he turned to search the Gryffindor table.

When he saw her, his expression fell. Staring at James with intense hatred for a minute, he beckoned to Lily. She shook her head.

"I'll see you in Charms, Sev!" she called, standing up so that her voice would carry over the heads of the chattering students.

Severus appeared wounded. "What?" he called back, standing by the door with a determinedly blank expression.

"See you at charms!" she repeated, before sitting gracefully back down, sweeping her luxurious red hair behind her.

"Not sitting with him?" James asked, taken entirely by surprise. He mentally kicked himself, not wanting to appear more jealous than she already knew him to be.

"I sit with Sev every day," Lily said dismissively. "Anyway, I can sit with him at charms. Are you on the quidditch team this year?" she changed the subject, but he could see the genuine interest in her eyes.

"Uh…yeah, that is I hope so. I haven't been give the boot yet," he told her with a roguish grin.

Lily laughed. "Then I doubt you'll get it this year. I'm trying out for Chaser and Keeper, maybe I'll get a place."

James was delighted. "That's be great! You wanna meet me on the pitch this evening and do some practice?"

"I'd love to!" she smiled graciously.

"You got a broom?"

"Yep. A comet! The newest model." Lily informed him proudly.

James let out a low whistle. "Mine was the newest model last year," he laughed. "You're not gonna outstrip me yet!"

"We'll see about that," grinned Lily. "When are tryouts?"

"Wednesday, next week," James informed her. "We've got six days! If we practice every night, you'll be practically guaranteed a spot!"

"What about your friends, won't they be mad if you spent every night with me for a week?" she inquired, genuinely concerned.

"Nah. Sirius is a beater…Remus was Keeper last year but he resigned. They understand quidditch."


	6. Chapter 6

**So sorry it took me so long to update. Before I knew it college classes got the better of me and I was swamped with homework! Plus I've been working on some original stories-trying to make a career out of writing. If you have the time, please check out my blog. There are some original stories on there for you to read. :-) Here's the link: **

Chapter Seven

"You're shittin' me!" Sirius cried incredulously.

"No." James stared blankly at his friend.

"Every night for a week?"

"Yeah. I mean, we're talking about Lily Evans," he grinned back at his friend.

The grin slid from Sirius' face, replaced by a sneer. It was only then that James realized he had missed the sarcasm dripping from Sirius's lips moments before.

"I don't give a damn, James," Sirius said flatly. "You wanna go be a prat, go do it. But I don't have time to watch you kiss Evans' ass. I've got better things to do."

He turned away while James gaped blankly at him. "What?"

Sirius didn't reply.

"Remus, are you hearing this?" James turned to Remus, asking for support. "I mean—I spend years trying to get Evans' attention and when I finally get a lucky break, my best mate is mad at me?"

"Doesn't your best mate mean more to you than a girl who doesn't even like you?" Remus snapped back.

James dropped his hand to his side. "Remus!" the words stung. "The two of you are acting like a pair of girls!"

Remus just shrugged and went back to his book.

"Oi! Sirius! Wait up, Mate!" James bellowed at his friend's retreating back as Sirius disappeared beneath an archway, the fading lights of the sunset casting his shadow on the floor for a mere instant before he was gone.

"Save your breath," said Remus.

James glared at the sandy haired boy. "Save my breath? Save yours. If you're gonna act like a prick, I don't want anything to do with you." And with that he stormed off.

The fading lights on the quidditch pitch ran through Lily's red hair, casting bronze and gold streaks on its flawless surface. As they landed on the field, breathless from flight, Lily nodded her head.

"Thanks," she said with a smile. "Same time tomorrow?"

"Same time tomorrow," James echoed, flashing her a grin that he knew the girls couldn't resist.

Lily smirked, but he could tell that she was pleased. "Great. I'll see you then. By the way, I think Black is waiting for you."

"What?" James was hardly paying attention to her words, too wrapped up in her green eyes.

"He's up in the stands, didn't you see him?"

Lily ran off the quidditch pitch clutching her broom, red hair flying as she hurried toward the castle and the lone figure of Severus Snape waiting for her on the stone steps.

With a groan James put down his broom and headed for the stands, scanning them for any sign of Sirius. He spotted him sitting high up where the Slytherins usually sat, but by the time he reached the place Sirius was gone.

"Where were you?" James stormed, flying into the dormitory.

Peter froze on his bed, chubby face white with fear until he realized that James rage was not directed at him, but at Sirius.

"Where was I?" Sirius asked, voice purposefully carefree. "Oh, I don't remember."

"Why the hell didn't you wait for me? I was coming to talk with you! What is your problem?" James ran a hand angrily through his hair.

"Why should I wait for you?" Sirius growled. "Why should I do anything for you?"

"Because we're best mates!" yelped James.

"No we're not."

Remus rolled over on his bed to face them, eyes scanning their faces without saying a word.

"What do you mean?" James demanded.

"You don't care about me, why should I care about you?"

"You're being ridiculous. I care about you—when have I ever not cared?" James sat down on his bed, chest still heaving with anger.

"Hmmm, I dunno. What about NOW?" Sirius slid off the bed and onto the floor on the side hidden from James' view.

"You just gonna sit there? You're gonna be a girl about this?" James cried.

"SHUT UP!" Sirius bellowed.

Silence descended on the dormitory. Remus rolled over and pulled the covers over his head. Peter stared at them with wide eyes. James muttered a foul word and turned to get ready for bed. Sirius never moved. Instead he sat there, deep into the night. And when James woke up in the morning he was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

"Where's the map?"

Remus looked up groggily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. James stood over him, seething with rage and brandishing his wand, red and gold sparks issuing from the tip like a fizzling sparkler firework.

"What?"

"Where's the map?"

"What are you talking about?" Pale and sickly, the full moon rapidly approaching, Remus didn't appear to have the strength to follow the conversation, much less get out of bed. But still James persisted.

"The marauder's map—where is it?"

"I don't know," groaned Remus.

It became obvious that Remus hadn't taken the map, but still, James' bedside drawer was empty. The map had been there when he had gone to sleep last night, but now it was gone. Vanished without a trace.

"Peter," bellowed James.

Peter squeaked and toppled over, clutching his left shoe which he had been attempting to put on his chubby foot. "What, James?"

"Did you take the map?"

"No," answered Peter truthfully.

James swore. "Damn." He turned to Remus, panting with anger and desperation. "He didn't take it."

Remus grunted.

"Sirius wouldn't have. He didn't take the map."

Remus was unresponsive. James continued to try to convince himself.

"What could he need the map for? I mean…he wouldn't need it. It doesn't make sense that Sirius would take it."

Just then Remus toppled out of bed and staggered to the toilet, and proceeded to retch into it.

When Remus had recovered, James helped him dress and then down to breakfast.

"Eat," he ordered as Remus stared blankly at his cereal.

"Can't," rasped Remus. "Full moon's two days away."

"You never get sick before the full moon. You need to keep up your strength."

"We'll get caught. This is a bad idea." Leaning over his bowl as if he were about to vomit again, Remus gasped for breath. "I should go alone."

"We've practically mastered the Animagus thing!" James argued.

"It's illegal. Forget all about it."

"No!"

Remus pushed away from the table and staggered away, leaving his cereal untouched. James stared moodily after him. Taking a seat at the Ravenclaw table, Remus nibbled sadly on a pastry, face pale and eyes clouded over.

"Hey, Mate." James leaned easily against the stone wall of the corridor in an attempt to seem casual.

Sirius froze, black hair falling into his eyes. His stance was defense, almost as if he was ready to spring at a moment's notice. When he showed no sign of relaxing, James continued.

"Hey…erm…what's up?"

"What do you want?" growled Sirius threateningly, voice dangerously low.

James dropped the façade. "Where's the map?"

"I don't have it," came the blunt reply.

"C'mon, Mate, I know you've got it. No one else could have taken it."

Sirius shouldered past him, ramming into James so hard that he was forced to double over. "What the hell, Mate?" he called after Sirius.

Without replying, Sirius ducked around a corner and vanished from sight. James grimaced and massaged his side.

"He doesn't have the map."

Lily Evans stood before him. Her face was torn between mocking and sympathetic, almost as if she were battling her new found feelings for him, old habits egging her on to laughter.

"What?"

"Sirius doesn't have the map."

James straightened up, not wanting to appear weak, even though his side was throbbing, a bruise forming in the shape of Sirius' fist.

"He didn't take it?"

"No, I didn't say that." Lily leaned against the wall, sweeping her long red hair over her shoulder.

"Then what do you mean?"

"Just what I said, Potter."

He grimaced at her gruff tone.

"I mean, James." She corrected herself, face softening. "Sirius doesn't have the map, but he did take it."

James just stared at her, waiting for her to continue.

"Don't believe me?"

"I do," he said slowly. "But then…who has the map?"

Lily ran her slender fingers through her hair, green eyes fixed on him. "I do."

"You have the map?"

"That's what I said."

James was aghast. He knew Lily had caught glimpses of the map before, but the fact that was in her possession turned his gut cold with fear. Could he trust Lily?

"Why? How?"

"Black gave it to me," she returned.

"Sirius gave you the map?" James was incredulous.

"Yes."

"But…why?" The feeling that he had been betrayed was growing ever stronger, and it was surprisingly painful, like burning white shards of glass embedded in his chest.

"I was under the impression that he wanted you to beg." Lily sneered at him, but it was only half-hearted.

The shards of glass grew hotter.

"Beg?"

"That's right. Beg. He wanted you to beg me for the map back."

James could hardly think, the pain now coursing through his entire body like lava in his bloodstream, slowly burning through his veins. He shook his head. "Why would Sirius want me to beg you for anything?"

"Because he thinks you're pathetic." Lily shrugged. "Sometimes I'm inclined to agree with him. You betrayed him for me. A woman. Just a pretty face."

James' mouth fell open in horror.

"He gave me the map this morning. Told me that if I made you beg for it, and spat on you, made a fool out of you and left you, the map was mine."

The ground began to buck and sway beneath his feet.

"But you're lucky," Lily continued. "I don't want the map. I just want you to answer my question."

He could barely breathe. "What?" he managed to gasp.

"There's another name on the map. It's new. I've never seen it before. It only shows when the map closes."

James could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

"Ignatia. Whose name is it?"

James' mind pulled a blank. "I…"

Lily waved the map in front of his face. "Who is Ignatia?"

"Dunno." The truth sprung from his lips.

Lily frowned, but he could see that she didn't doubt the truthfulness of his words. "Well," she said at last. "I'll be trying to find out. I suggest you do the same." Then she leaned forward and handed him the map, planting a soft kiss on his cheek. "I'll be at the quidditch pitch to practice tonight. You don't have to come, but it you want to, you know where to find me."

And then she was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

"YOU WANTED ME TO BEG?" James roared.

Sirius's lips twitched as if he was going to snarl. "You lose, Potter."

"WHY?"

"So you'd know what it feels like!"

"TO BEG?" The anger blinded him to the pain in his friend's eyes.

"Yes, to beg!" Sirius stood up, the book he was holding dropping to the floor. "To beg because you have NO FUCKING CHOICE!"

"I'm your friend, why would you want to do that to me?"

"Because I had to!" Sirius was snarling with rage now, black hair flying as he shook his head passionately like an angry dog. "I had to beg! Get on my knees and beg, and you didn't give a damn, did you?"

"Who did you ever have to beg to?" James demanded.

"My father."

James stopped dead. "What? Why?"

"Because he was drunk. Drunk on wine and power. He cornered Regulus in the kitchen and was beating him black and blue." Sirius bared his teeth.

"I still don't understand," cried James defensively.

"Have you met my father?" Sirius asked. "He's huge. Everyone goes on and on about how he's so good looking and charming. But he's just a mean son of a bitch. He drinks and then he beats whoever he can get his hands on. Regulus was just trying to eat dinner."

James shook his head, still angry with Sirius.

"I couldn't stop him-," snarled the young man as if disappointed in himself. "I had to get on my knees and beg."

"So what," James tried to say. "You had to beg him to stop?"

Sirius gave a bark of derisive laughter. "Beg him to stop? No, you don't understand how that son of bitch operates. I had to beg him to hit me instead. I BEGGED FOR THIS!" he pointed at the fading bruises on his face.

James recoiled. "So…so what?" his voice faded to nothing.

Sirius stared at him, obviously in pain.

"So what?" Sirius hissed.

"Why'd you make me beg…I'm mean—Lily? Really?"

"Why should your life be perfect? Why should you get the girl of your dreams and a loving home to go back to when I have to beg my father for this," he gestured at his face again, "just so that my little brother doesn't wind up half dead?"

"Just let him hit your brother, then!" James started to back away. "Don't whine like a bitch."

"HE'S TOO SMALL! IT'S KILL HIM!" Sirius screamed after him.

"You've got issues," James managed to say, feeling his body start to shake as he began to walk away.

"What, you don't wanna see my face? You wanna see what he did to me?" Sirius called mockingly after him.

"I'm done—I'm not listening to you!" James plugged his ears and hurried down the hall.


	9. Chapter 9

They sat in silence. And awkward silence that extended to the whole common room. People would wander in, sit down, and get up and leave only a minute later, obviously ill at ease in the tense atmosphere.

"Sirius?" Peter squeaked at long last.

Sirius turned to look at him, eyes boring holes in Peter's skull. But he didn't say a word.

"Never mind," muttered the young man after a long minute.

"Lily will be waiting," James announced and stood up.

Sirius never moved a muscles, but watched him leave, staring daggers at James' retreating back.

When James returned he found the common room empty save for Remus, who was staring quietly at the dying embers of the fire.

"Hey."

Remus looked up. "Hey."

"Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Sirius is. You seem to do whatever he does, so I don't see why you wouldn't be," James returned.

"Don't pick a fight, James," sighed Remus.

Refusing to apologize, James sat heavily down on the sofa.

"Lily was back almost an hour ago. Where were you" Remus questioned.

"Flying."

"Why?"

"No point in coming back here. I don't want to talk to Sirius."

"What don't you understand about Sirius?" Remus asked bluntly.

James was taken aback. "What do you mean?"

"There's obviously something you don't understand about the way Sirius thinks and acts, what is it?"

"Er…." James found himself speechless. It was unlike Remus to cut to the problem so quickly. Usually he was content to sit back quietly and wait out the storm, watching and learning as life unfolded before him.

"You just don't seem to get that Sirius is bitter. He's not like you, James. You're best friends, but that doesn't make you the same. You're hopeful, fun-loving, and happy for the most part. Sirius isn't—he's cynical, dark and dangerous. Fun for Sirius is different than fun is for you. Haven't you realized that?"

James stared at Remus' face, taking in his friend's earnest expression. The distress on Remus' face cut him to the bone.

"Yeah. Yeah, I have," he muttered grudgingly. And he had noticed it. Fun for Sirius was mockery—something cruel—making other people suffer. Sirius didn't want just mischief, he wanted trouble in earnest. Something that caused an uproar, real damage, not just tittering from the girls standing nearby.

"Then what can't you understand about him?"

"Why can't he just let the past go?" spat James. "Why can't he just suck it up and realize that life isn't perfect. My life isn't perfect either!"

"Why not? You've got everything. Loving parents, a good home, money, you're healthy—what is not perfect about your life?"

James shrugged. "It just isn't. I get that it sucks his dad is a son of a bitch, but does it really warrant this—I mean, he's acting like a fricking psychopath. It's scary!"

"Yeah, it is scary." Remus stood up and poked at the embers of the fire. "And Sirius knows it is. He's scared—he knows that this could drive him over the edge. To be sitting on the brink of insanity is the most frightening thing you can ever imagine, James. I know—I go through it every month at the full moon."

"But you don't go off like a madman! What he's doing is just wrong—it's creepy. He's lost his marbles."

"Sirius wants you to be scared. He wants everyone to be scared," Remus said flatly.

"Why?"

"Because if people fear you, they won't hurt you."

"Remus, are you okay?"

James woke in the dark to a voice he hardly recognized. It took him a minute to realize that it was Arthur Weasley, bright red hair shining like a beacon in the dark. He'd almost forgotten that they shared the dormitory with several other boys.

"Leave him alone," a voice snarled in the darkness.

Arthur started and turned toward Sirius' bed. A figure sat hunched over, brooding in the darkness.

"He's ill."

"I know," the voice growled. "Let him be."

"You should take him to the hospital wing!" argued poor Arthur.

"Get back in your bed!" Sirius stood, quiet and threatening. Arthur retreated to his bed, frightened by the sudden change that had overcome his schoolmate.

Sirius walked over to Remus' bed and sat on the side while Remus shivered, tossing and turning restlessly, a silent guardian in the hours of darkness that served as hell.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi! I know last time I tried to post my blog link it didn't work, so if you guys would google "Your Story Dies With You" and click the blogger link, I'd really appreciate it. I'm releasing my first novel on Amazon for kindle in the next month. :-) I'm trying to make a career out of writing. Anyway, thanks for reading. And for all the reviews-I love hearing from you guys! Sorry this one is so short-doing NaNoWriMo this month, so I'm super busy. Hopefully next time will be a longer update. :D**

"Remus, are you sure you'll be alright?" James asked as Remus stared at his breakfast cereal again.

Sirius glowered at James as if trying to scare him off, but James stood his ground.

"…be fine…" Remus croaked, the rest of his words lost in the chatter of the crowd.

"You're going to pass out if you don't eat," Sirius cut in.

Remus lifted the spoon to his mouth and chewed morosely, growing greener by the second. He dropped the spoon.

"I'm going to be sick," he muttered, then darted from the hall, stumbling and falling several times on the hard stone floor. Sirius ran after him, supporting Remus as they staggered out of the hall.

"This month is harder than the rest," James said in an undertone to Peter.

Peter looked up from his breakfast, totally oblivious to what was going on around him. "What did you say James?"

James groaned. "Forget it, Peter…Just…eat your breakfast."

Remus was sitting comfortably beneath a tree outside on the lawn when James joined him after lunch.

"Feeling better?"

Remus nodded tiredly.

"Where's Sirius?"

Before Remus could reply, James heard Sirius' voice from above him in the tree.

"Up here, fucker."

Something heavy fell atop him, and through a blur of pain, James felt Sirius' fist pounding hiw entire body.

"Oi! Mate, that's enough!" he cried, struggling to get away but Sirius held him fast. "STOP!"

"You are so God damn worthless!" Sirius roared.

"What did I do?" James begged, spitting blood out of his mouth, tongue throbbing where he had bitten down on it.

Sirius kicked him viciously one last time before standing up. "You act like you care, but that's all it is—a fucking act!"

Wiping his mouth, James stood up shaking so violently he could hardly stand. "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Because you deserved it," Sirius spat.

"Leave him alone, Sirius," Remus called weakly.

Sirius sat down heavily beside Remus, eyeing James like an angry dog. James made a move to sit by Remus but Sirius pulled his wand.

"Leave."

"What?"

"Leave. You don't care, so leave."

James looked to Remus. "Really?" he demanded.

Remus closed his eyes wearily. James reached for his wand, but then thought better of it. In this mood Sirius was liable to kill him. And James doubted that if he did he would regret it much. Sirius was not prone to regret anything. Much less something he thought someone deserved.


	11. Chapter 11

**I can't tell you guys how sorry I am it took me this long to update. Life got in the way and the next thing I knew, my last update was months ago. So sorry. :-(**

"God, Sirius," Remus groaned.

Still panting, Sirius tossed his dark hair out of his eyes. His lips twitched, as if fighting back a grimace, his emotions almost betraying him. But he fought back the tears. Sitting down beside Remus, he growled deep in his chest, a dark, painful sound that could be mistaken for anger if you didn't know better. But Remus did.

"He's made a mistake," began the young man with blonde/brown hair.

"A mistake?" the other boy let out a bark of laughter.

"A mistake," Remus said again. "Can't you forgive him?"

"No." Staring at his hands, Sirius found they were shaking. This surprised him. He was normally so much in control of his body that he could quell even the strongest of emotions.

"We're all human, Sirius."

"Really?" Sirius' voice was like acid, burning into Remus' skin, deep down until it reached his heart. "Last I looked, you weren't."

Remus flinched.

A heavy silence fell between them while Sirius wrestled with his conscience. "Remus…" he said at last, voice hardly a whisper. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." His friend tried to shrug it off, but it was evident that the words still stung.

"No, I should be. I was wrong."

"How so? Look at me." Remus gestured to himself weakly, barely having the strength to lift his hand. The effort of it seemed to exhaust him. "I'm not human."

The dark haired boy sighed sorrowfully. "You are," he reassured him. "More human than the rest of us."

Remus almost laughed. "Humans don't turn into monsters when the moon is full."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "You're not a monster," he said at last. "You could never be a monster."

"If I'm not a monster, then what is?"

"I am."

Remus blinked.

"You?" he managed at long last, obviously taken aback.

"Yeah, me." Sirius stared at his hands again, the shaking subsiding. "I'm a monster, Remus. Look at what I've done. I've destroyed my brother's family, torn James and my friendship apart…and look at what I've done to you?" Tears started to well in his eyes—tears of remorse and self-loathing.

"You didn't do this to me." The words were quiet.

"I hurt you. How can you forgive me for what I said?" demanded the young.

"Because I'm human." Remus gathered his strength and lifted his arm to rest it about Sirius' shoulders. "And humans have an amazing capacity for love and forgiveness."

Sirius sighed tiredly, but he managed a weak smile for his friend before it faded as quickly as it had come. "You do, Remus, but the rest of us are bastards."

A faint smile pulled at the corners of Remus' lips. "Bastards?"

"We have an amazing capacity for hatred—our words hurt, our touch destroys. That's what being human means."

"No." Remus shook his head. "Just because we're human doesn't mean we have to fall. We're not all bastards."

"No you," Sirius agreed.

"Nor you," his friend said quietly. "Or James."

Sirius harrumphed.


	12. Chapter 12

"James?"

"What do you want?" It was supposed to come out as a ferocious snarl, but in the end it just sounded petulant; hurt.

"To…" Words failed him.

"To what?"

The bathroom mirror reflected James' face so that Sirius could see it, even though James had turned his back on his friend.

"To say I'm sorry."

The young man's voice was dark and heavy, as if the words were forced. They were, and James resented it.

Whipping around to face his friend, James bared his teeth. The effort fell short, and he knew Sirius wasn't scared. It was scary when Sirius did it; people backed away when Sirius did it. But that was because when Sirius did it, people knew he wasn't joking. They knew that if they pushed him too far, he would snap. And if he snapped, there was no telling what he might be capable of.

"No you're not!" James accused.

Sirius growled. "Yes, I am."

"You're not sorry in the least." He turned back to the mirror, wiping blood from his lip from where Sirius' fist had struck him earlier.

"How would you know?" Sirius' voice had grown deeper over the summer. It was no longer the voice of a boy, but that of a man. A dangerous man with a mysterious past; a past that James thought he had known and now realized he knew nothing at all.

"Because." He faltered.

Sirius scoffed. "Because? Because what? Did Mommy tell you that you were smarter than everyone else? That you know everything?" Sirius laughed nastily, his voice mocking.

James blanched. "Leave my mother out of this."

"At least your mother loves you," Sirius said with a scoff.

"If you came to say you're sorry, say it like you mean it." It was a challenge.

Sirius froze, like a dog ready to pounce.

"I'm sorry," he said slowly. "I didn't mean to hurt _you._"

"Then who did you mean to hurt?"

Sirius glanced at him, eyes confused and sad for a fleeting instant before the iron wall descended again, blocking all emotion from view. "I don't know."


	13. Chapter 13

Dark was a beautiful thing, Sirius thought. It concealed the bruises, the scars, and his skin was once again pale and smooth, his emotions hidden from view, locked deep inside his heart. His soul, he felt, was as black as the darkness that surrounded him. Not by choice, but by chance. It was as if life had swallowed up almost all the light, plunging him into shadow. But there was one pinprick of light left, but it burned only faintly.

That pinprick was Remus Lupin. Even though the darkness threatened to envelop him, too, he kept fighting. Remus kept burning brightly, clinging to the hope that there was good still left in the world; that _he _could be good, even though the rest of the world called him a monster.

"You're not a monster," Sirius always told him.

But he worried that one day Remus would not believe him.

"You are a good person," Remus always told him. "You don't have to be bad just because of who your family is."

But in his heart, Sirius wasn't sure he believed him.

And that was why he was worried that one day Remus might disregard his words, and believe the rest of the world as the scorned him, spat at him, screamed as he approached. At the very thought of it, Sirius bared his teeth with a threatening growl rising from deep inside his chest, ready and willing to defend his friend with his dying breath. But there was no one to fight in the darkness. Just himself.

Slinking from shadow to shadow, dancing through the darkness, Sirius felt free. Free for just a fleeting instant before the world descended on him again. But free for a minute, and that was something. Because sometimes we are never free.

"Are you ever free, Remus?" he had once asked.

"Yeah," the young man had replied thoughtfully.

"When it's full moon." He had seemed sad.

"Why then?"

"Because then I'm a monster. I'm something no one understand, something no one puts any expectations on. No matter what I do, it doesn't matter. I'm just a werewolf; a beast. I don't matter."

"You always matter."

"To you, maybe."

"To everyone."

But Remus had just shook his head and Sirius had looked away, not wanting to see his friend cry.

"Black." It was Lily Evans. She stood leaning against a wall, flaming red hair like a flickering flame in the darkness.

"Evans."

"I was wondering if you weren't coming."

He snorted. "As if, Evans."

"What do you want?" she demanded.

He cocked an eyebrow at her, surprised by her rudeness.

"Well? You dragged me out here, alone, in the dark, in the quiet…" she whispered, almond shaped green eyes darting around as if searching for something or someone lurking in the shadows about them. "Why?"

She had set him on edge now and he glanced about warily, but there was no one. At least, no one he could see.

"You gave him the map?" The words weren't accusing, just stating the facts.

"I did," she agreed.

"Why?"

"He didn't deserve what you did to him."

This time Sirius laughed, a soft chuckle that echoed in the darkness. Lily shivered.

"So what are you? The guardian of justice?"

"I'm a Gryffindor," Lily announced proudly, jutting out her chin and shaking back her mane of fiery red hair. "I don't play a coward's game." She spat the last words.

"Calling me a coward?"

She nodded.

With a growl, Sirius leaned languidly against the wall, letting his body relax. "Don't care what you think," he shrugged. "What I do care about, however, is why you gave James the map. You should have made him beg for it."

Lily shook her head almost imperceptibly.

"No? You wanted to. I know you did."  
"I did. But not anymore."

"Why not?" He slammed his fist against the wall, his temper suddenly sparking.

"Why not?" Lily laughed incredulously. "Because good men shouldn't have to suffer just because the wicked want them to!"

Sirius only laughed.

"And besides," her voice took on a different tone. "He couldn't tell me what I wanted to know."

Sirius stiffened ever so slightly. "And what was that?"

"Who's Ignatia?"

Sirius' hand flew to his wand in his back pocket, intending to attack, but Lily was faster. Not only that, she had been waiting for him to attack first. She had been expecting it.

"Don't," she said shortly, her wand pointing directly at Sirius' face.

Sirius gripped his wand, but he didn't draw it.

"I'm better than you, and you know it," Lily hissed. "You don't stand a chance, Black."

He knew this was true, but he wasn't about to let her see it. "You," he snarled.

"Me." She waited for him to continue.

"How do you know how to work the map?"

"Do you think I'm a fool, Black?" Lily laughed at him. "I've seen you whispering over this map; I've been standing at your shoulder many times. But you never noticed, did you?"

He glowered at her.

"The map is no secret to me, but don't worry, I won't tell." She smiled, but it was a dangerous smile. "I'll keep your little secret, so long as you answer my question.

Sirius began to shake his head.

"Who is Ignatia?" she demanded, her voice hissing through the darkness.

"No one."

"Who is Ignatia?" she repeated.

"Why do you care?"

Lily hesitated, as if she was considering dropping her wand. But she didn't. "Because she endangers my entire world," she hissed.

"She?"

"It's a girl's name. Don't play dumb."

"How is she a threat to you?"

"To me? No, not to me. To someone else." Lily shook her head slowly, as if she were debating hexing him. "Who is she, Black?"

"Forget you saw her name."

"No. Now who is she?"

Sirius shook his head.

Lily leaned in closer, the tip of her wand glowing. "Sirius," she whispered softly. "Who is Ignatia, and why is her name on that map?"

A silence fell between them; hot, uncomfortable, waiting to be broken.

"Is she a sister?" Lily whispered.

Sirius closed his eyes for a brief instant.

"Is she a friend?" she whispered seductively.

He didn't dare look at her.

"Is she a lover?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Who is she, Sirius?"

"Why should I tell you?"

Lily laughed. Her sweet demeanor of before was gone. In its place was a dangerous enemy. "Because if you don't, I will find out on my own. And when I do, your little world will come crashing down."

"Jealous?" he asked. The word escaped his lips before he could stop it. Sirius winced, knowing he had given away a deadly secret.

Lily cocked her head as she turned away. "No," she said at last. "Should I be?"

Sirius just raised an eyebrow before slipping away into the darkness.

Lily stood there for a long while after he was gone, listening to the silence.

"Jealous," she mused.

Glancing around, she thought she saw a shadow slip around the corner. On impulse, she glanced over her shoulder to be sure no one else was there to see her, then followed the shadow.


	14. Chapter 14

The shadow moved quickly and quietly, dancing through the dark with hardly a whisper. If Lily had not sensed that someone was there, she wouldn't have believed her eyes. But as it was, she did believe them, and continued following the shadow into the dark.

Through the corridors, into the stairwell, and down the staircases they went. She thought she saw the shadow duck around the corner of the stair leading to the second floor, but far up on the fifth she couldn't be sure. Lily stepped forward onto the stair in an attempt to follow, but just then the staircase moved.

It shifted to the left, and lily gasped, leaping onto it as it began to move away from the landing. Her breath caught in her chest, and she gripped the banister with all her might, knuckles white with the effort. Crouching down on the stair, clutching at the bars of the banister as if they were the bars of a cage, Lily looked down. There was a deep pool of darkness beneath her, waiting to swallow her up should she fall. She thought she saw the shadow duck into the great hall, illuminated by a pinprick of light as the door swung open and then shut, leaving the room once again in darkness.

"Lumos!"

Her wand lit up, illuminating the stairs, the shadows receding. She felt a little bit safer, but only a little.

The great hall was dark, cool, and quiet. Standing before the huge hour glasses, watching the stones, was the shadow.

"Who's there?"

Lily was surprised to hear the voice. She jumped, heart fluttering, but steeled herself. She was a Gryffindor, and Gryffindor was the house of the brave, not the cowardly.

"Lily Evans."

Sweat made her wand slip in her hand, but she held on tightly.

The shadow turned, some of the shadows slipping away to reveal the face of a girl.


	15. Chapter 15

She had dark hair, darker than the darkest night. It was silky smooth, not like satin, but like oil—as if it were a liquid. Her skin was white, flawless, or so Lily thought. And her eyes. Her eyes were green.

Lily took a step back.

"You look like me," she said.

The girl laughed. It was not a happy sound, but dark and rather sad. "Do I? My hair is black and yours is red," she began. "Your skin is perfect, and mine…" she turned her head and Lily fought back a gasp.

As she turned, a bruise became visible. Dark, purple almost, the edges green and blue.

"But your eyes," Lily managed. "Your eyes are just like mine."  
The girl nodded. "They are," she agreed. "They are."

"Who struck you?" Indignation became to rise in Lily's chest. Who would dare strike this girl?

But the girl smiled sadly and shook her head. "It doesn't matter."  
"Yes, it does. Who did this to you? And…who are you?"

Lily saw the girl hesitate before she answered. "Ignatia," she said at last.

"You're Ignatia?"

"Surprised?" the word was bitter.

"No, actually." Lily narrowed her eyes, sensing a trick. "But tell me, who hit you?"

"It doesn't matter." Ignatia cast her eyes to the floor. "But why do you care so much about me? Why did you follow me?"

"I'm protecting the man I love," Lily said stoutly.

"Love?" Ignatia's head shot up.

She'd made a mistake. Lily felt her heart sink like a rock. "Yes, love." There was no backing down now.

"What good is love?"

The question stumped her. "Love," she began. But she had not answer.

"It was love that was my undoing!" Ignatia spat on the floor. The spittle was bloody.

"You're hurt."

"Yes, I'm hurt." She was angry now, her voice deadly. "Do you want to know who hurt me? Hm?"

Lily nodded, even though she wanted to shake her head.

"He did."

"Who is he?"

Ignatia raised her lip in a sneer, as if disgusted that Lily didn't know. It irked her, and Lily shook back her mane of red hair, jutting out her chin with pride, waiting for an answer. The girl did the same, as if mocking her. Then she bared her teeth, much like Lily had seen Sirius do many times before. The white teeth were bloody, and Lily had to resist the urge to shrink away.

"Who is he?"

"Guess."

"Are you a Slytherin?"

The girl shook her head slowly, green eyes fixed on Lily, never wavering.

"Ravenclaw?"

Still she shook her head.

"You can't be a Hufflepuff?!" Her mind was whirring, but she couldn't guess because she didn't know who the girl was. If she knew who she was, then she had a shot at guessing who it was who had hurt her.

Ignatia shook her head again.

Lily froze. "Gryffindor." The word slipped from her lips, a breath passing through her teeth. It was almost inaudible, but slowly the girl nodded.

"You're not a Gryffindor."

She smirked. "I am."

"Then why haven't I seen you before."

She winced, almost imperceptibly, but Lily caught it.

"I was sorted with you. Right next to you, Lily, don't you remember?"

Lily tried to think back, desperate to remember. But all she could remember was stumbling up the steps to sit on the stool, the worn sorting hat whispering in her ear, perched upon her head. "GRYFFINDOR!" it had bellowed. And then she had stumbled back down the stairs to sit at the table, past a little girl with jet black hair, heart swelling with pride.

"Congrats! Gryffindor's the best," James Potter had said to her as she passed him.

"Gryffindor!" the sorting hat had called as the little girl behind her was sorted. But Lily hadn't been listening.

"You?" Lily was shocked, surprised that she could recall that distant memory.

"Me."

"But…what happened to you? Where did you go?"

How could it be that in all her years at Hogwarts, Lily had never noticed that the little girl who had been sorted right after she had, who had stood beside her in line, had never been seen again?

"I'm a metamorphmagus. I can change my appearance."

"I know what a metamorphmagus is." She was somewhat insulted. "Who are you then?"

Ignatia cocked her head, then smiled. Her appearance began to shift, forming a far too familiar face.

"Me." She couldn't breathe. "You're me?"

"So shocked?"

"Why? Why are you _me_?"

"I'm not all the time. Only when it suits me."

"But why?"

"Because I didn't want anyone to know I was here. If they did…"

"If they did, what?"

"I'd be expelled."

"Why?"

"You don't want to know."

"I do!"

But Ignatia only shook her head.

"At least tell me who hit you," Lily entreated.

Ignatia stared at the floor sadly.

"Don't bother loving him," she whispered softly.

"What?" Lily was entirely confused now.

"The boy. The one you love."

"Why not?"

"It'll only destroy you."

"Who hit you?" Lily demanded, seizing the girl by the shoulders.

"Sirius Black."


	16. Chapter 16

"Lily?" James asked.

Lily looked up with a gasp, startled.

"Whoa. Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." He sat down beside her, ruffling his hair again, giving her a roughish grin.

"No, you didn't. I mean…its okay."

"I was going to play quidditch tonight," James mumbled. "Wondered if maybe…you wanna fly with me?"

She stared at him. How could this man; this boy with dark hair, such beautiful eyes, and the most charming smile; how could he be her undoing?

"If you want to," James added hurriedly. "You don't have to. Stupid to ask. Sorry."

"No! I'd love to fly…but I can't tonight," she managed. "I have to tend the herbs in the greenhouses for herbology."

"Oh, that's cool." He nodded awkwardly. "Can I come with you?"

"It's extra credit." She blushed, embarrassed. Normally her grades were perfect, but the past week Severus had been angry with her, their friendship falling apart, and she had been obsessed. Obsessed with the man sitting beside her. She'd been offered the extra credit to keep her almost perfect score. "But you can come," she added. "If you want to."

"I do, I do," he said hurriedly. "What time do you have to be there? I'll meet you outside the doors and we can walk down together."

"After supper. I'll just join you for dinner and then we can walk down together," she offered.

"Sounds great!" James grinned again, rumpling his hair absentmindedly as if he couldn't believe his good luck. "I'll see you at supper!"

"Hey, mate!" It was Sirius, storming towards them. James looked up in surprise.

Lily grit her teeth, clutching her wand. "I have to go," she whispered to James. She didn't want a fight. Not now. Not when she wasn't sure she knew the truth. "See you at supper."


	17. Chapter 17

"Potter."

"Potter?" James was aghast. "Since when do you call me 'Potter'? What happened to my name?"

Sirius growled.

"Do you remember my name?"

"Yes." Sirius was like a cornered animal with nowhere to run. Or who refused to run. Sirius was too stubborn.

"What is it?"

Another growl, this one more threatening than the last. Then he mumbled something. James didn't quite catch it, but he knew what it was. That wasn't good enough, though.

"What was that?" James cocked his head, waiting for an answer.

"James."

"That's right. Thought you'd forgotten."  
"Wish I had."

James almost recoiled. The words were sharp, and they burned like hell.

"Fuck you," he returned.

Sirius just raised an eyebrow.

"What do you want?"

"Getting cozy with Lily?"

"I said, what do you want?" James demanded.

"Talk to you," Sirius mumbled.

This surprised James. Not that Sirius wanted to talk to him, but that Sirius was mumbling him. He refused to look James in the eyes, instead preferring to stare at his feet, mumbling and slurring his words.

"About what?"

Sirius stared at his feet, and shook his head.

"About what? Or are you just going to stand there and waste my time?" snapped James. He was angry now, but he couldn't help it. The anger had been bubbling just beneath the surface for days, and now it was finally starting to break free.

Sirius looked up, tossing his dark hair out of his eyes. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" James was shocked. "You're sorry?" Confusion clouded his voice.

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

James nodded, at a loss for words.

"Thanks," he said at last, not sure what he could or should say under the circumstances.

"Didn't mean to…to hurt you."

"Thanks. Apology accepted," James offered, still unsure.

Sirius nodded, and having said his piece, turned and wandered away, his head bowed as if his pride had suffered a blow he had not yet recovered from.


	18. Chapter 18

Remus sat quietly, watching the exchange. It was odd so see his friends so strained; their relationship somehow broken. It was odd, to say the least. When he'd first met them, he'd thought their relationship would never falter; never fall. They'd seemed to strong. Their loyalty had been unwavering. But now, nothing seemed to remain of that. They were ready to stab each other in back; tear the other to pieces. And who could blame them? He could see both sides of the story.

Remus sighed. He saw Sirius freeze, staring at his feet. Saw him look up at James, then wander away. James stared after him for a while, watching him go, and then turned away. He walked back toward the castle, almost as if he wasn't aware of what he was doing.

Sirius, however, wandered toward the lake. The sparkling surface glinted in the sunlight. The young man kicked off his shoes and waded into the shallows, staring intently at the water as if he could see into its depths. Remus wondered to himself what he saw there. Was it a crystal ball, showing the future? Or was it a mirror, reflecting back the present? Did it show the past? No matter what it was that Sirius saw, Remus could not imagine that it was very pleasant.

His body cried out as he rose to his feet, calling for him to stop and sit down again. The full moon was rapidly approaching. The moment darkness fell and the moon rose, all hell would break lose. Remus winced, but he kept walking across the grass toward Sirius, unsteady, watching his shadow waver as he moved across the immaculate green lawn.


	19. Chapter 19

**Thank you so much for all the reviews! I love hearing from you guys, and it means so much to me that you take the time to read and review my work! I read every last review. J Some of you have mentioned that there are typos, and I'm sorry to say that it's true. I'm really sorry about that, but I'm rushed for time most days, so I just type it up really fast and post and I don't have time to check for mistakes. So please forgive all the typos. J And if the story seems to veer off track, I'm sorry about that, too. I can be a bit scatter brained sometimes.**

"Sirius," Remus called.

Upon hearing his voice, Sirius looked up, the passion of rage fading from his eyes, replaced by a soft, almost tender look.

"Remus. You should be resting." The reprimand was gentle.

"I'm okay."

Sirius left the water, droplets glistening on his skin, ducking under Remus' arm so that he could support the other boy's weight.

"It's alright, don't bother," Remus tried to say. "I can manage on my own." But the truth was he couldn't. The truth was, his strength was fading, and he couldn't stand on his own. His legs shook, threatening to give out beneath him. He felt weak.

"Almost time for dinner," Sirius grunted as they made their way up toward the castle.

"I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat."  
"I can't," sighed the sandy-haired boy.

"Please."

"Tell me how it went with James," Remus whispered.

"How about I tell you while you eat?"

"Do you forgive him?" Remus asked after listening to his friend's story.

Sirius stared at his plate, which was still mostly full. "Sort of. Eat," he added.

Remus' own plate was untouched. He glanced down at it, the heaps of mashed potatoes, steak, and green beans turning his stomach.

"Here." Sirius pushed Remus' plate aside and grabbed another, filling it with crackers and cheese. "Eat that. You have to have something in your stomach."

If only to oblige his friend, Remus began to eat, nibbling on the crackers like a mouse. Sirius sighed and rested his head in his hands.

"I'm tired, Remus," he whispered.

"So am I."

"Not like that."

"I know." And he did. The only sound to be heard was the quiet crunch of crackers as Remus ate his lunch.

"Have you seen James?"

They looked around as a sweet voice sounded in their ears. Standing behind them was a first year. A little girl with dark hair and blue eyes. Rosie Potter.

"No. Get lost, kid," Sirius sighed, but not unkindly; he said it much in the way he spoke to Regulus, his own little brother. Gruff, not cruel.

"I haven't seen him," Remus said softly, smiling kindly at the little girl. "You might check wherever Lily Evans is though. I think they had plans." This was a guess on his part, but a good one. Where Lily Evans went, there went James potter.

"Okay, thanks," Rosie chirped, flashing them a smile that was alarmingly like James'.

"Don't be so gruff," scolded Remus as he turned back to his food.

But Sirius only grunted.


	20. Chapter 20

**Sorry the chapters are short. If I wait until I can write really long ones, it never gets done. So I figure it is better to just have really short chapters than none at all. J**

Just then James entered the Great Hall. At his side was none other than Lily Evans, her red hair swinging as she walked, a broad smile stretched across her lips.

"James, I learned a new spell!" they heard Rosie cry, and watched as she darted across the hall, feet tapping on the flagstones, racing to reach her brother and show him the new spell she had learned that day.

"Whoa, nice one!" James said. He scooped down and tossed his little sister into the air. She had only just turned eleven, but she was small for her age. Even so, he could barely manage it.

"Careful," Lily warned, but she was laughing. She ruffled Rosie's hair and gave her a hug.

Remus glanced to his left at Sirius, and found that his friend had turned away and was staring broodingly at the surface of the table, his expression dark and forlorn.

"Are you jealous?" Remus asked. He already knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it from Sirius' lips. Not for his own satisfaction, but because he knew that Sirius was still refusing to acknowledge it, even to himself.

"No."

"Can't you be honest? Even to yourself?"

Sirius ignored him, as if that would solve all his problems.

"Sirius!"

Finally Sirius turned to face him.

"Do you have to lie, even to yourself? Is that how bad it is? That you can't even own up to who you are, even to yourself?" demanded Remus.

His friend regarded him with a blank expression. A mask.

"I am jealous," he said at last, the mask cracking. "But not of Lily Evans."

"Then of who?"

"James."

"I know his life looks perfect from the outside, and I can understand that it is better than yours—mine is better than yours, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But you can't destroy your friendship over this. There will come a time when James' life isn't perfect either. And then where will you be?"

He sat there, waiting for an answer, but Sirius was not in the mood to oblige.

"Nowhere. You'll be nowhere. No better off than you are now—worse, in fact. This does no one any good, Sirius. It's just destroying whatever happiness you had."

"I know."

"Then why continue it?"

"It's easier," said Sirius.

"Easier than what?"

"Than accepting that he goes one way, and I go the other."

An incredulous laugh broke free of Remus' lips. "Sirius, just because your lives are different does not mean you have to part ways. The way this world judges good and bad does NOT define your friendship. And it doesn't define you."

Sirius nodded. "Does it define you?" he asked.

Now it was Remus turn to stare at the tabletop. "Yeah," he said at last. "I guess it does."

"Then where does that leave us?"


	21. Chapter 21

September was gone, and October was a cold month. Everywhere you turned the green of leaves were morphing into the brilliant colors of autumn, and the green grass was slowly changing to brown. In the morning, when mist was rising off the lake, it was cold enough to see your breath. October was a cold month. Not just in weather, but in everything. October was a lonely month. A month where everything that mattered was precariously balanced on the ledge of a tall cliff, ready to fall off and shatter against the earth far below in one big explosion, leaving nothing but tiny pieces that could never be put back together again. Or, if they were lucky, it would just fade away, like the colors, and be absorbed into winter, just a distant memory of happier times.

That particular morning, when Sirius woke, the room was cold. The covers lay in a tangled mess around his body, twisted like the ropes of spider-webs. His feet shrank away from the chilled floor when he sat up and stood on the frozen floorboards. Even the sunlight streaming through the windows was cold, as if it no longer had the good will to shine but did so with resentment.

"Remus?"

The bed in which Remus always slept was empty. The covers were cast aside, half of them on the floor, and when he bent down to touch them Sirius found that whatever warmth they had formerly held had fled long ago.

James was sleeping soundly. His dark hair lay across the pillow, jet black against the pale white of his face and the soft cotton sheets. One hand was wrapped about his wand, like a child clutching a toy, as if he had been reluctant or unable to sleep without it. His body rose and fell as he breathed in and out, face untroubled, peaceful.

Sirius halted, hand outstretched to shake the sleeping boy's shoulder, but then though better of it and just stood there, watching his friend sleep. Friend. It was an odd word, how easily it seemed he had cast James aside. Friends were forever, or so he had thought. They were loyal, unbending, always at your back when you needed them. A true friend was, anyway. Or so he had thought. But that description fit James perfectly. He couldn't think of a time when James had failed to come to his aid. Perhaps he had not always understood, but James had never failed him. James had always tried his best, had always rushed to his side, never questioning. He just knew he was needed, and he went without hesitation. Sirius' heart sank. Could he say the same for himself?

A bed away, Peter stirred, reaching for his blankets, which had fallen off sometime in the night, and wrapping them around his short, round frame in an attempt to seal in the warmth. He was back asleep within seconds, not yet ready to wake and face the day.

Swallowing hard, Sirius turned away, leaving James to slumber. As he did so, something inside his chest burned. Not anger, as there had been before, but something else. Something that felt like shame…and sorrow.

"Remus?" He called louder now, because it was more urgent. Where was Remus?

That was when he caught sight of the bathroom door. It was mostly closed, open just a crack so that he could see the edge of a foot sticking out. A narrow, bony foot that was covered in small cuts and bruises.

"Remus?" Peering around the corner, Sirius found Remus.

The young man was sitting on the cool white tile of the bathroom floor, legs splayed out before him in a V shape, staring at his feet. His sandy hair was tousled, caked with dirt, and on his face and arms there were scratches; deep gouges made by claws. Sirius was shocked to find that Remus was crying. Remus so rarely cried.

"Sirius," croaked Remus.

"Why are you crying?" Immediately Sirius crouched down to Remus' level, catching sight of himself in the mirror as he did so. His appearance was bedraggled, and on his own face, at the jaw-line, was a blossoming bruise in a deep shade of purple.

Remus looked up at him, offering his arms for his friend to see. "Look at me," he managed hoarsely. Then a sob choked him and he began to weep in earnest.

Sitting down beside him, Sirius put his arm about Remus' shoulders, trying to give comfort in whatever way he could. "It's not so bad," he tried to say. But they were that bad. And he knew that they were painful.

"It is that bad," sobbed the distraught young man. "Do you know what it's like to wake up and see the scars on your friends' bodies and know that you were the one that made them?"

"It's not that bad," he tried to say again.

"Did you see James?"

"He's fine."

"No." Remus dashed away the tears, but more rushed up to take their place.

Just then they heard the door creak, and James peered around the corner.


	22. Chapter 22

His face was white. Fragile looking, almost. It was odd to see him appearing so breakable. Sirius swallowed hard. Were they all this fragile? Had they always been this fragile, or was it a recent change? And why hadn't he noticed before?

"Hey." James' voice was soft, like it normally was in the morning, indicating that he had just woken. He ran a hand through his hair almost absentmindedly, but it was clearly out of distress, not a need to impress.

Remus bowed his head, as if he didn't want to be seen. Sirius noticed that James' wand was now shoved haphazardly in his back pocket.

When he had stood beside the bed, watching James sleep, what he hadn't noticed, was that James' stomach and sides, almost the entire lower half of his torso, was wrapped in bandages that could be seen clearly through the thin white cotton of his t-shirt.

The bandages covered claw marks. Last night had been a disaster. Their plan had failed. The only one who had successfully managed to transform had been Sirius, but upon seeing that James and Peter were trying and failing, he had quickly morphed back into his human shape to help contain Remus, and the monster he had become. It was fear that had driven him. Fear for his friends' safety.

"I'm sorry, James," said Remus tearfully.

"Don't be. Madam Pomfrey fixed me right up. See?" James raised his shirt so they could see the neat bandages.

"Couldn't she just heal it?" Sirius demanded in an attempt to show his concern. But the words just came out gruff.

"Nah. The claws….they don't really heal like….anyway. It doesn't matter. I could be better." He flashed a roguish grin. It took Sirius a minute to realize why the experience was so strange…in the weeks they had been fighting, James had become a stranger to him. The realization almost broke his heart.

But his fear was that he no longer had one left to break.


	23. Chapter 23

When Remus stood, his appearance was even more wraithlike than before. It was as if all the fat on his bones had been eaten away by the monster he had become the night before, and now all that was left was skin and bones, and eyes that stood out like blue orbs—haunted, broken.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up," James offered, pulling Remus gently to his feet. But even his soft touch made the other boy flinch as if the pain were almost too much to bear.

Sirius turned and retched into the toilet.

"Hell," James said when Sirius had finished. "You alright, mate?" The last word was forced, but it was the effort that counted.

"Fine," panted Sirius. "Fine." He sighed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. The bitter taste of vomit still lingered on his tongue.

"You sure?"

It was unlike Sirius to be ill. People had commented before that he had guts of steel. He could eat anything and not feel sick, and even the bloodiest show of gore didn't upset him.

"I'm sure."

James nodded, accepting the answer, if reluctantly.

Breakfast was a solemn affair. No one wanted to eat. Not even James. Peter ate, but morosely, shoving the food in his mouth as if it were a duty instead of the joy in normally was. Sirius picked at his food, occasionally swallowing mouthfuls in an attempt to appear unbothered. Not that it was working. James' focus was on Remus, begging him to eat.

"Just one bite," pleaded James. "You have to eat, Remus."

"Can't," said Remus hoarsely.

"Yes you can! Here, try this-" James proffered a scone but Remus still refused to eat.

"Eat, Remus." Sirius growled the words, forcing them past his lips.

The sandy-haired boy regarded him with solemn blue eyes, then he took the scone and bit into it, eyes never leaving the black-haired boy with the dark eyes.

"I don't feel so good," James announced. He fingered the bandages as if they itched. It was then that James caught sight of his own reflection; his eyes had dark circles under them, purple, like nasty bruises. He winced. When Lily walked by, he ducked his head. He didn't even rumple his hair.


	24. Chapter 24

**It has been called to my attention that this fanfic was written in such a way that some people are under the impression Sirius and Remus are in a relationship. This is NOT a slash fic and I am very sorry if it appears that way. This is only friendship. J Thanks again for reading—I really appreciate it. I'm afraid I haven't been very good about updating on a regular basis these past couple weeks. I've been working on a new novel and time has slipped away from me.**

Lily Evans was an extraordinarily beautiful girl. Or so James thought. And not only was she beautiful, but she was strong. And kind. It wasn't often you stumbled across someone who possessed all these qualities.

"Going to sit by her?" Sirius grunted.

"No," James sighed, partly because he did not want to further injure the fragile relationship that had been reinstated between himself and Sirius; and partially because he was embarrassed for Lily to see him this way. To be so beat-up, so bruised, cut, scarred, and so on, felt strangely emasculating.

That's when it hit him.

He glanced at Sirius, wondering if the realization had become evident on his face. But Sirius wasn't looking at him. Instead he was staring intently at his plate, as if that would somehow make the rest of the world just disappear.

Regulus was sitting at the Slytherin table. His bouncy black curls, smiling face, and loveable personality had bought him many friends. He did not lack for company, but still he kept glancing over at the Gryffindor table, scanning the students for any sign of Sirius. His expression was hopeful until he saw Sirius staring at his plate, purposefully ignoring him. Then the hope that his brother would see him, be proud of him, faded as quickly as it had come and the youth turned back to his friends. It was a long while before he cast another glance their way.

"James!" Lily called, her voice high and clear. She waved to him from her spot at the Gryffindor table, a little ways down the line.

He swallowed hard and looked around. Severus Snape was sitting at the very far end of the Slytherin table. On his face was an expression of extreme hurt and betrayal. It was obvious that he was waiting for someone. Waiting for Lily Evans to flounce over with her mane of red hair and brilliant green eyes, flashing him a dazzling smile, and sit down beside him like she always did. No one understood why she did it, but the fact remained that she always did. But not today.

"James, over here!" Lily called.

She had seen him earlier, but had wanted to him to beckon her over. When he had not, her pride had demanded that she keep on walking. But now she had thought better of it and was calling to him.

Sirius shot him a look as if irritated, but said nothing. Peter, who was still shoving his face, took a deep draught of pumpkin juice in an attempt to force down a mouthful. Remus tossed a cracker that he didn't want to eat beneath the table in the hopes that Sirius was too distracted to see him.

James got to his feet, pushing away from the table and wincing as his side burned painfully. He walked over to Lily, massaging his hair unhappily.

"Hey, Lily."

"Wanna sit with me?" she asked.

"Um…"

"It's just…your friends look a little surly today. I don't want to disturb them." It was an excuse and he knew it. She was giving them space because she knew they needed it. Her presence would only make them uncomfortable.

"Yeah, probably a good idea."

Lily surveyed him for a minute, eyes roving thoughtfully over the great hall. "You don't have to sit with me, James. I just wanted to offer. Probably best if you didn't today," she added, glancing down the table at Sirius and Remus. Peter was too short to be seen over the sea of heads.

"I'd love to," James said awkwardly. "I just…"

"I'll sit with Sev. But seriously, when your friends will let you," and at this she rolled her eyes, "come sit with me. The invitation's always open."

"Thanks. I will. You can come sit with me, too," he added, not really sure how to extend the invitation. "They look kind of scary today, so you probably don't want to, but most days they're pretty nice."

Lily laughed. It filled the air around them, and James reveled in it blissfully. Had she really laughed at something he'd said? Was he the one who had made her happy?

"Okay. I'll see you later. I'll be watching the quidditch game tomorrow," she said over her shoulder as she turned to go.

James turned and sauntered back to his own seat, casting a glance over his shoulder to watch her as she went. Lily walked gracefully past the Gryffindor table and took a seat at the very end of the Slytherin table, in the shadows, next to Severus Snape. The greasy haired boy looked sour to hide his hurt, obviously contemplating turning her away angrily as impulse demanded. But then he just sighed, swallowed his pride, and accepted her charity.


	25. Chapter 25

People are odd.

Strange, how we go on and on about what other people should do, judging them, comparing them, always criticizing one person or another. If one has done well, by default someone else has done poorly. But when it comes to ourselves, we take an entirely different approach.

If we make a mistake, it's okay, because everyone makes mistakes, right?

If someone hurts us, we're a victim.

If life doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be.

If we're not happy with who we are….we ignore it, and pretend we are, just so everyone else won't see that we are disappointed in ourselves.

Those were the thoughts that were flying through James' head as he watched his friends sitting in the stands, screaming at the players whizzing by on their broomsticks. Remus sat, still looking ill, but his lips turned up in a smile. Peter was jumping up and down as one of the chasers darted past them, the wind he stirred up rustling Remus and Peter's hair.

"Come on, mate!" Sirius bellowed as he flew by, swinging his beater's bat wildly. "Get the fucking snitch!"

Typical Sirius. He was entirely wrapped up in the game. James shook himself. What was going on? He was usually so absorbed in the search for the snitch that Sirius had once fallen off his broom and landed flat on his back from thirty feet up and he hadn't noticed.

Where was the snitch?

There it was, darting through the crowd, unseen as all eyes were glued to the beaters and chasers as they fought viciously for control of the Quaffle. It hesitated by Remus, and the boy looked at it. His blue eyes and sandy hair made him appear almost quizzical. Then he reached out and closed a thin, pale hand around the snitch, his long, slender fingers encircling the small golden ball, hiding it from view.

James' grinned as a mischievous smile crossed Remus' lips. The Ravenclaw seeker was desperately scanning the stadium, squinting so hard he could barely see. Angling his broom down, James swept past Remus, one hand hanging limply at his side. As he passed he slowed, just a bit, and Remus pressed the little golden ball into the palm of his hand.

"You win," Remus whispered as James passed.

And just like that, they won the game.


	26. Chapter 26

Then, _WHAM!_

Just as Sirius turned, face triumphant, to wave to James, the bludger slammed into him. From fifty feet away James could hear the collision as the ball rocketed into his friend's body. A sharp cry tore from Sirius' lips as the force of the impact threw him into the side of the stadium. The color paper that decorate the ugly wooden frames, that had seen so many years of players giving everything they had to give, then disappearing, most of them never to play again once the adult world grabbed hold of them.

So strange, he thought vaguely, how people who at one point were so important, are so easily forgotten.

"Sirius?" A scream from Remus far below shook James to the core and he turned his broom downward, rocketing toward the ground.

"Hey! Hey, Sirius!" He landed heavily, jarring his ankles, and stumbled toward the black haired boy. "Hey, mate!"

Sirius was lying on the ground, groaning, but he was moving at least. His broom was splintered, broken by the force of his weight.

"Christ!" James fell to his knees beside his friend, letting his own broom drop to the ground and tossing aside the splintered pieces of his friend's.

"Fuck." Sirius cursed, but the wind had been knocked from his lungs, rendering the word almost harmless.

The black haired boy's face, normally so pale, was scraped red raw and starting to bleed, the same could be said for his arms. A little blood was leaking through his shirt, the result of large, but not deep, scrapes on his side.

"Fucking bludger," Sirius choked out.

Just then Remus came bolting toward them. His hair was flying, face white with fear.

"You alright?" he yelped as he skidded to a halt beside them, scattering dirt and clumps of grass as well as gravel as it all went flying through the air, torn up by his feet.

"Fine. Don't worry about me."

Together they managed to pull the injured boy to his feet, foul words still spewing from Sirius' lips as McGonagall hurried toward them.

"Black, are you hurt?" she demanded.

"Do I look hurt?" he growled. "I'm standing aren't I?"

"Get up to the hospital wing," McGonagall returned, batting away the sharp words. They were customary and held very little sting.

They turned to go, but she called them back.

"And hand me that Snitch, Potter. Can't have you cavorting all over the school waving this in Ravenclaw's faces. A faint smile graced her lips, as if the idea was not entirely sour. But propriety overcame the desire to flaunt Gryffindor's victory, and she pocketed the small golden ball.


	27. Chapter 27

"My God! That thing slammed into you—are you alright?" Remus exclaimed as they limped toward the castle supporting Sirius between them. Peter trailed along behind them, whining anxiously.

"Fine," Sirius grunted. His teeth were bared in a vicious snarl.

"You look angry, mate," James commented hesitantly.

There was a dangerous expression on Sirius' face and even he, James Potter, fearless, unchallenged by all but Sirius Black and Lily Evans in the entirety of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was reluctant to cross him.

"He hit me on purpose. The game was over!" snarled Sirius.

"Who hit you?" James demanded.

His focus had been entirely on the small golden snitch, on the sweet taste of victory, and on Lily Evan's face as she had grinned up at him from the stands with what he could only hope was pride and maybe just a little bit of fondness. Her red hair had whipped in the wind, obscuring her green eyes from view for but an instant before she shook out her mane and grinned, white teeth flashing.

James shook himself back to reality.

"That bastard, Lucius Malfoy."

"Malfoy isn't even a beater," James exclaimed, worried for a minute that Sirius was becoming delusional.

"He told the beater to hit me."

"Who's the beater?"

Silence fell. No one actually knew who the beater was. He was just some thug who whacked the bludgers around, broke a bat every once in a while, and had legendary bad aim. But it seemed that today, for the first time, he had hit his mark.

Gryffindor had the best beaters. They had the best team, actually, and James didn't just believe that because it happened to be his house team and he was on it. He was the fastest seeker with the best eyes. He almost never missed the snitch. The keeper almost never let the quaffle through. Their chasers, though right now they kept switching every few games as people went back and forth on whether or not they could play, were fast and efficient, and their beaters were the best. Sirius was swift, small, and incredibly agile. His arm was strong, and when he swung the bat…he never missed.

"I think I broke a rib," Sirius griped.

"It's swollen," Remus muttered just as they reached the steps.

"Yeah, I couldn't tell. I figured the increased size was just a result of my pigging out over breakfast," replied Sirius acidly.

He wasn't really angry at Remus. If he was angry at any of them, it was probably Peter, who had kept up his incessant whining all the way to the castle. Now he was wringing his hands and crossing his legs from time to time as if he vaguely had to go to the bathroom but hadn't yet realized the need.

"Peter, please," said Sirius at last when he obviously couldn't stand it any longer, which, for the record, was just as they cleared the front steps and stepped through the massive doors to enter the castle. "For the love of God, and everything holy, or unholy, and everything on this fucking planet—even your mothers fucking pair of red high heeled shoes that don't fit her fat feet-SHUT UP!"

Silence fell.

Sirius did not apologize.

And Remus was not obliged to make him.

James didn't dare.

Peter, being Peter, decided not to take offense.


	28. Chapter 28

The stairs were a miserable task. With every step Sirius winced in pain and by the third flight was reduced to growling like a dog, his anger evident upon his face.

"One more flight," Remus urged. "It's not so bad."

"I will kill him," Sirius panted. "By God, I will murder that bastard. Beat him to death with his own bat."

No one challenged him, and no one laughed. It was the kind of threat Sirius was prone to make, and when it made it, it was not necessarily empty.

"Come on," James sighed as they stopped half way up the fourth and last flight of stairs. "If you stop now you're never gonna get there."

"I don't want to go to the hospital wing."

"Too bad," Remus returned, urging Sirius to take another step. "We're going whether you like it or not."

The heavy sound of their breathing filled the air as they focused on the steps before them, the majority of Sirius' weight now resting on their shoulders.

"You still back there, Pete?" James called over his shoulder.

"Right here!" squeaked Peter.

As soon as they entered Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes.

"I might have known," the woman sighed with a kindly smile.

For some reason unbeknownst to the rest of mankind, Sirius Black just happened to be a favorite of the nurse. She was kindly to almost all students, excepting those who she thought deserved their injuries, which oddly enough often applied to Sirius, yet she favored, out of all the students, Sirius Black.

"What'd you do this time, Sirius?"

That was another odd thing. Madam Pomfrey always called Sirius by his first name, when most of the other students, except for the more frequent fliers like Remus, were known by their last. Sirius, for some reason James had never been able to drag from his lips, always called Madam Pomfrey "Mum" in a half mocking, half affectionate way.

Sirius proceeded to tell her all about the quidditch match, which she had missed due to caring for sick students lying abed just down the ward. She listened with rapt attention, waving her wand over his swollen ribs so that bandages appeared, nodding every now and again to show that she was listening.

His face she sponged off gently and dressed with an ointment that oozed out of the end of her wand.

"My dear, you are an endless pit of trouble. Weren't you just up here last night?"

Sirius nodded and laughed. He smoothed back his black hair, which was still lank with sweat. "I was," he agreed ruefully. "And you fixed me up just great. I played the game without a hitch."

"Sirius, you fell off your broom and scraped yourself down the side of the stadium wall, you call that without a hitch?" laughed the woman.

"That was after the game was over. James already had the snitch."

"I'm sure," she laughed again, even though she believed him.

"Thanks," Sirius said as she finished.

Madam Pomfrey ruffled his hair by way of reply.

"Now keep your sorry self out of my hospital wing for a while!" she called after their retreating backs.

"I'll see you tomorrow!" Sirius returned.


	29. Chapter 29

Dinner was a merry affair. Sirius, his face numb from the ointment Madam Pomfrey had applied, kept slurring his words, unable to move his lips to their full extent. Even though the handicap irritated him, he accepted the mockery of his friends with good grace and even managed to laugh at himself. When pumpkin juice spilled all the way down his front, he just looked down at himself, sighed, and dumped the rest of the contents of the goblet into his lap.

"Might as well spill it all," he laughed.

Remus squealed and scooted away as the wetness of the spilt juice made its way over the surface of the bench, wetting the seat of his pants.

James guffawed, spraying Peter with a mouthful of crumbs. The chubby boy didn't even flinch, but kept right on eating, oblivious to what was going on around him.

"Hey," a voice said.

James looked around. He was the only one that had heard, for Sirius and Remus kept right on laughing, Remus frantically trying to stem the flow of the pumpkin juice in a vain attempt to keep his pants from soaking all the way through.

"Lily."

Out of habit, James cast a glance at the corner. There sat Severus Snape, his eyes longingly fixed on Lily as she stood beside James at the Gryffindor table. He could tell that Lily was aware of his gaze, but she ignored it, her back rigidly straight. She kept her eyes glued to James, as if fighting the urge to glance over her shoulder at her friend.

"Mind if I sit with you?"

Much as he tried to hide it, his face lit up and he hurriedly moved over to make room for her.

"Thanks. I didn't want to drag you away from you friends," she added, "but I wanted to sit with you."

"I'm glad you did—you're always welcome—you know that." He grinned at her, and she returned the smile.

"Thanks."

She sat, putting first one leg then the other over the side of the bench and gracefully lowering herself into her seat, red hair billowing as she sat as if a faint breeze was making its way through the great hall. He was in awe of her beauty.

As Lily sat, Severus hardened his gaze, a look of betrayal filled his eyes, followed a bitter expression crossing his face. He looked down at his food. He didn't even glance at them again for the whole two hours they sat there.

"So, that was some game," Lily said loudly, announcing her presence.

Remus and Sirius turned in mild surprise, then leapt at the chance to discuss the game with someone other than each other (something they had been doing all day to the point they had replayed every last second several times, discussing all the ins and outs, the rules, the possible scenarios…)

"Did you see that third bludger I hit!" Sirius crowed.

Lily nodded as she took a bite of food. "It soared right past that guy Narcissa likes," Lily laughed, her mouth still full of food. A woman had never looked so beautiful, James thought to himself. "Do you have a death wish? If looks could kill…"

Sirius guffawed loudly. "I hit it on purpose. I just wanted to see her face. She was harping on me all of yesterday to do this and do that—don't disgrace the family." He laughed again.

"Oh, and nice catch with that snitch, Remus," Lily added, gesturing at Remus with her fork.

A laugh broke from the shyer boy's lips. "You saw that?"

"Oh yeah. I definitely saw it. Next time, keep your eyes on the snitch, not on me," Lily laughed. She poked James with her fork.

Instead of being abashed as he ought, James roared with laughter. "You're prettier than the snitch," he teased, "and harder to catch, too."

Everyone laughed.


	30. Chapter 30

When they left the great hall, Severus was still sitting in the corner. If James didn't know better, he would have thought the young man was crying.

Oddly enough, he felt a twinge of pity.

The next morning, the adrenaline rush from the victory in the quidditch match had faded. They lay abed late into the morning, falling in and out of sleep and staring at the ceiling.

Sirius, who was sore and not in the best of spirits from his fall the day before, lay quietly in his bed, the white sheets tangled about his thin body, black hair spread across the pillow.

Remus, still recovering from the full moon, was sleeping, occasionally waking just enough to open his eyes and glance around, as if making sure that his friends were still there and that they had not somehow vanished in the middle of the night and left him all alone, small and insignificant in the large bed with its sea of white bed sheets.

Peter had been too anxious to eat to wait for them. His bed was empty, and unfixed.

As James lay awake, fingering his wand, the bright light of morning filling the room, he felt at peace. Peace, it seemed, was hard to come by this year, so he enjoyed it all the more.

At last Remus awoke, this time for good, and stretched with a grunt.

"Hey, Sirius, James, you awake?"

"Yep," James returned, waving his wand lazily at Peter's bed to straighten the bedding.

"Mnhhhh…." Sighed Sirius softly.

"You okay?" asked Remus.

"Are you?"

The question seemed to stump Remus. "Yeah…" he said at last. "Why?"

"Just curious," Sirius returned lifelessly.

"Sirius, are you okay?" asked James, with more force than Remus had.

The young man shook his head. "I don't feel okay."

"What do you mean? Why not?"

James forced himself to get up, leaving the warmth and comfort of his own bed with the tangled sheets and the soft pillows that he swore were more comfortable than the ones he had at home on his own bed. Probably because these didn't have those feathers that stuck out and poked your face while you were sleeping.

"Because I hurt all over," sighed the young man. "And life just sucks."

"Do you need to go to the hospital wing?"

"No…I can't get out of bed. Even if I wanted to."

Remus got out of bed now and joined James at Sirius' bedside. "Why can't you get up?" he asked gently.

But it appeared that Sirius was all out of words.

James and Remus exchanged worried glances, but there was nothing they could do.

They decided to let Sirius lay abed. He wouldn't move, despite their protestations, urging, loud music, spells shooting sparks, and several attempts to drag him forcibly from the bed. He just lay there, almost lifeless, the light in his eyes extinguished.

"What's the matter with him?" James asked Remus as they sat at breakfast.

Lily had waved to them as they had entered, but then she had cast a glance at Severus, as if her conscience was bothering her, then smiled apologetically and sat at the Gryffindor table. Though he missed her company, at least for this morning James was glad.

"I don't know. He's never refused to get up before." Remus stared listlessly at his food.

Just then, Regulus Black happened by. He was a cheerful boy with curly black hair and lively eyes, much like a happier, younger, more innocent version of Sirius. If there could be such a thing as an innocent version of Sirius Black.

"He won't get up today," the little boy said. He wasn't in fact that little. He was, after all, eleven.

"Why not?" the two young men turned in their seats to look at him.

"Because he won't take his medicine."

They exchanged a glance. "What medicine?" they asked in unison.

"The medicine the doctor gave him. At Saint Mungo's."

James was on the edge of his seat now. "Medicine for what?"

"For being sad." The little boy looked morose as he stared at the breakfast tart in his hands. "This summer Sirius got sad. He didn't want to play with me anymore. He lay in bed all day and didn't eat much. Father got tired of it and made him go to Saint Mungos because he was sick…"

"And?" Remus asked gently as the little boy trailed off.

"The doctor said he was sad. He said that sadness can be a sickness sometimes."

"Is that what the medicine is for?" Remus prodded.

"The doctor says it will make him feel better, but it didn't, so Sirius stopped taking it. He's still not happy." Regulus looked down with sad eyes. "He doesn't play games with me anymore."

Remus put a comforting hand on the child's shoulder. "He'll be okay," he promised. "Do you know if Sirius has the medicine with him?"

"I have it," the little boy said seriously. "He wouldn't bring it, but I did. I was going to slip it in his food," he confessed.

"Will you go get it for me?" the sandy-haired young man asked.

Regulus nodded and off he ran.

"Sad?" James demanded as the little boy let, at a complete loss.

"Sad," Remus echoed. "Sirius has depression."


	31. IMPORTANT NOTICE

**Going on an adventure. Be back by June. Story on hold while away. Thanks for reading. :-)**


	32. Notice

My adventures took longer than expected. An update is coming soon.


	33. Chapter 31

It was one of those moments when the world stands still. James froze, his blood turning to ice. For a split second, dismay filled him, but anger quickly dashed it away.

_Shove._

The attack was vicious. James' hands collided with Remus' body, sending the other boy crashing to the floor. He feel the eyes of every Gryffindor in the vicinity staring at him, utterly shocked, and those of others turning to find the source of the commotion.

As Remus hit the ground, James could see him flinch. The look of pain and betrayal passed over his face for only an instant, but it was there long enough for James' to see it. He almost felt sorry, but rage, and another emotion he could not place, quickly quashed the feeling. But the look in Remus' eyes stayed with him, nagging in the back of his mind.

_You hurt me. _His eyes seemed to say. _Why?_

James was really sure why.

"No. Shut up," he snarled.

Remus mouthed wordlessly up at him. "What?" he finally managed to gasp out.

"You don't know what you're talking about, so just shut up! Who are you to talk—look at yourself—you've got your own problems."

"It's not a crime!" Remus tried to say, but James cut him off.

"I said shut up!"

Then he turned and stormed away. He didn't stop to think about what he had said and done until he had reached a secluded corner not far from the entrance to the kitchens.

What he didn't see when he was gone was Lily as she hurried to Remus' side, pulling him to his feet.

"It's not a crime to be sick," Remus told her, finishing the words James had refused to allow him to speak.

"I know," Lily agreed. "He just doesn't want to accept an imperfect world."

"Well there's no such thing as a perfect world," Remus replied somewhat angrily. "Humans aren't perfect…and neither am I."

"You are human."

"Some would disagree."

As he Remus walked away, holding his head as high as he could under the circumstances, his shoulder brushed Lily's. "Thanks," he whispered. Then he was gone.

Lily sighed, glowered at the people who still watched her until they turned back to their food, and turned to find Severus, with whom she had been sharing a conversation over breakfast pastries. He had retreated to the empty space near the doors, watching her exchange with Remus. His eyes were narrowed, but no less wounded.

"Sev," she called, starting toward him, eager to return to their conversation and forget the exchange she had just witnessed, pushing her anger at James down, reminding herself that it would do no good to argue. Not now. Save it for later.

Severus halted, frozen beside the door.

"Sev," she said again, unsure if he had heard her.

Then suddenly, he was gone, slipping out the doors and out of sight.

Lily stood dumbstruck in the middle of the hall, feeling alone for one of the first times in her life. One of her friends hurried over.

"Hey, Lily, lets head out to herbology. If we get there early we can see the flower garden."

Nodding, Lily followed the girl, whose name she had suddenly forgotten.


	34. Chapter 32

The wall in the corner was old, and worn. The gray stone was dirty, covered in a layer of dust that had not been touch for many years. The smell of it filled James' nose, choking him, but he didn't care.

Hot, salty tears began to roll down his cheeks. They tasted bitter when they reached his lips.

_It's not a crime!_

Remus' words echoed in his ears, and he shook himself to be rid of them, but they only repeated themselves, louder this time.

What was it like NOT to be adored? What was it like to live a life that was so far from perfect?

There had always been a few people who had shunned him, but he had always chalked it up to jealously. Even Remus and Sirius, when they'd had their occasional spats, he had brushed aside as jealous or in a bad mood. It had never occurred to that that _he _might be the problem. Was it him, who was wrong about the world?

"Love, you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up." His mother's smiling face came floating back to him, a memory from when he was small, even though she looked very much the same now.

That promise had been repeated so many times over the years, along with praises.

"Look how strong you are!" "I'm so proud of you!" "You're such a smart boy!" "Wow, that's great!" Every step of the way there had been praise and affirmation from his parents, grandparents, all their friends. Everyone had praised him.

Why shouldn't everyone be like that? Why couldn't the world be the way they had promised it would be?

"You're stupid!" "You're wrong!" "Can't you do better?" Those had been the taunts his friends had heard. Even Remus, whose parents tried their best to be supportive were sometimes dismayed.

"Can't you be normal?" they would ask on occasion.

Last summer, when he'd visited them, he'd seen the hope on Remus' parents' faces, hope that their son would be normal—popular, well-adjusted. But they didn't see that he was popular in his own way, and that he could adapt well. All they saw was his illness, and all they heard were the cries of pain every full moon. That all that anyone seemed to see. A monster.

Sirius' parents had been happy enough to see him. If they were ever happy. They largely ignored his presence. Sirius' father swore at them in a drunken rage, something James had never witnessed before, but Sirius had just ducked his head in shame and dodged a blow from his father's fist.

"Hi, I'm Sylva Potter," his mother had said, extending a hand to each of his friends when he'd introduced them so long ago. And every time since she had smiled and greeted them by name. Even if she was busy, she said hello. She never hit him, and neither did his father, and though they disciplined, it was always fair.

The cold stone wall brought him back to reality.

Life wasn't perfect, so why expect it to be?

That was the easy part, saying that it wasn't perfect, but actually living with it was more difficult.


End file.
